“After numerous clinical trials involving broad-spectrum antibiotics, antiviral agents, and immunomodulatory therapy, we have concluded that, somehow, none of those treatments proved even remotely as effective as Adam Levine for Men Eau de Toilette and Adam Levine for Women Eau de Parfum,” WHO assistant director-general Keiji Fukuda said of the new cologne from the lead singer of Maroon 5, which is the first known cure for the deadly SARS-like virus beyond supportive medical care.

— The Onion announces the cure for MERS. Read more at World Health Organization: ‘Not Sure How, But Adam Levine’s New Fragrance The Only Antidote To MERS Virus’.